Halfway

It's New Years'  Eve,  2009, (actually as I type it's turning midnight).  Jason and I are relaxing at home, doing laundry, cooking, and developing websites. I am listening to fireworks - and our neighbors screaming.

The first half of the pregnancy has moved pretty fast now that I look back, but I can still clearly remember every day feeling slow. Especially leading up to the ultrasound a couple days ago.  On December 29th we learned we are having a girl!

It was so strange and beautiful watching that screen. It didn't feel like we were looking inside me - like maybe it was a video of someone else. We saw the ribs, femurs (3cm) spine, ears, toes, bladder, hands, brain, feet (also 3cm!), tibula and fibula...everything looked perfect! We watched the baby drink the amniotic fluid, move it's arms, and hide from the camera for the first time. The nerves that had my stomach in knots all day finally relaxed. So far, our girl is healthy and strong. Seriously, her biceps were intense!

There was a brief moment where we got to see her using 3D technology. We saw the skin bunch together as she moved her back, and watched her shoulder blades moving. It was really amazing. I can see why people pay so much to do the 3D and 4D ultrasounds. Seeing her skin made me feel more like I was seeing my baby. All the organs and bones were amazing to see - but seeing her skin was different - it's the part we are going to hug and clean and contact on a daily basis. We only got to see her back because that's when she started hiding, but it was still my favorite part. Or maybe my favorite part was when Jason looked at the screen and said, "It's a girl." He had this expression that captured about 20 emotions.

As we walked out the the car we discussed that it was exciting, amazing, and helpful...but that we are both still having a hard time with the reality of it. My emotions have been strangely subdued (except nervousness on Dr. appointment days). I can't tell what it is exactly. Is self-protection keeping me from getting too attached in case the worst happens? Maybe it's my inability to think ahead and anticipate. Maybe it's because I'm a visual person, and I have to see my baby in my arms before I can really connect. Whatever it is, it's making me feel like a bad mom already. Why am I not super-elated? Why don't I cry tears of happiness? How is it that I am not completely overwhelmed with joy and fear?

I still have that thought constantly running through my head..."This is weird."

On the other hand, it was fun to pick out some baby girl clothes today. I picked up a few onesies, a pair of pants, and a sunhat at Salvation Army and Old Navy. The cute little clothes really make me smile.

Just 20 more weeks to go...

and a Happy New Year!